So she’s not a virgin….


Many times, when I go on Christian websites, the “abstinence before marriage” message is front and center. However, this advice precludes a presumably large group of Christians like me that I will refer to as ” the unmarried non-virgins”. In the context of this blog post, unmarried non-virgins are those unmarried Christians who have given up their virginity and even continued to have sex in the past, but have now repented and  become celibate until marriage.

After browsing a few Christian forums I think this group has been unfairly targeted by those who have kept their virginity. In this post I want to address a few of their most common negative comments.


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“I will never marry someone who isn’t a virgin”

This statement puts too much focus on the sexual aspect of a marriage. There’s so much more involved in choosing a mate and so much more to having a successful marriage. The most important things are that he/she is a true, practising Christian, loves you as God defines love, and has a desire to obey God. A past indiscretion is no reason to discount a person who has already been forgiven by God and who is presently living the way God intended. Besides, EVERYONE has past indiscretions because no one is perfect (Romans 3:23). If you are a virgin and blessed with a significant other who has the above qualities, acknowledge that they have a past, but forgive them, and remember … “love will cover a multitude of sins” 1 Peter 4:8.

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“I kept myself pure, I expect the same…
we must be equally yoked”

I can fully understand this viewpoint in terms of mutual virginity. However, I believe it is a perversion of what is taught in the Bible about being equally yoked.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

The Bible speaks of those with the same beliefs, not the same experiences, as being equally yoked. There are so many examples where God used people whose past actions are seedy. For example, one of the greatest redemption stories of all time is the reformation of the persecutor Saul to the apostle Paul (Acts 9:1-19). My advice to a virgin in this situation is to be an imitator of God (Ephesians 5:1-2) and do not hold the past against the person (Psalms 25:7). Further, know that this person has made an effort to “keep themselves pure” since recognizing the error of their ways despite it being truly difficult to resist the temptations of the flesh they have already experienced.

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“I want the person I marry to be the first, the one and only”

Again I can understand how one will feel knowing they are not “the first”; how will one “rank” amongst all the other partners their wife/husband has had in the past? I think the focus should be on the fact that the person who is marrying you chose you to be their one and only life partner. The last thing on their mind when the marriage is consummated is going to be ranking you against Martha from high school or Brian from college who bear no significance on their current life.

Our responsibility as Christian non-virgins

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not removing all responsibility from the non-virgins. We must be compassionate and empathetic towards our virgin spouses. If they have hang-ups about our pasts, be understanding. Let them know that what is important is who you are now and Who you both serve now. Remind them that God, and not you (and your experience), will bring the intimacy into your marriage.

Finally, we need to forgive ourselves. There was some evidence of self-hate on those forums too! For example, I felt really hurt for a non-virgin who said that the virgin’s comments like the ones above made her feel “broken” and “unworthy of love”. As Christians, we must not succumb to the thought that “our sin is more than God can forgive”. No sin can separate us from the Love of God (Romans 8:38-39) and through His love we are forgiven (John 3:16).



More on this topic at Virgin Expectations (


9 responses »

  1. Virginity is not the standard, Holiness is the standard by which we are supposed to be living by. God is a God of restoration and is fully capable of restoring virginity to an individual and re-writing their history. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Note the, “all”, in the sentence. When we go about trying to establishing our own righteousness, we become judges instead of witnesses which is what Jesus commanded us to be. When the Jews asked Jesus what work(s) must we do to do the work(s) of God, Jesus replied that the work() of God is to believe in the one whom He sent.

    The Story of Lazarus and the Rich Man

    “Now there was a rich man, and he habitually dressed in purple and fine linen, joyously living in splendor every day. “And a poor man named Lazarus was laid at his gate, covered with sores, and longing to be fed with the crumbs which were falling from the rich man’s table; besides, even the dogs were coming and licking his sores. “Now the poor man died and was carried away by the angels to Abraham’s bosom; and the rich man also died and was buried. “In Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torment, and *saw Abraham far away and Lazarus in his bosom. “And he cried out and said, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus so that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool off my tongue, for I am in agony in this flame.’ “But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that during your life you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted here, and you are in agony. ‘And besides all this, between us and you there is a great chasm fixed, so that those who wish to come over from here to you will not be able, and that none may cross over from there to us.’ “And he said, ‘Then I beg you, father, that you send him to my father’s house– for I have five brothers–in order that he may warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ “But Abraham *said, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them hear them.’ “But he said, ‘No, father Abraham, but if someone goes to them from the dead, they will repent!’ “But he said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead.’”
    (Luke 16:19-31 NASB)

    I had the preceding passage of scripture shown to me as I was waking up the Morning of May 31, 2010

    Subj: Luke 16:19-31
    The Lord revealed this to me as I was waking the morning of May 31, 2010. The 2 people that Jesus talks about here are actual people . One of the people is simply known as, “a certain rich man”, while the other, a beggar, is known by Jesus as Lazarus. They both suffer the same fate that is common to all men which is death. However, here is where the differences are.

    1. Lazarus is known by his name and carried by God’s angels into Abraham’s bosom.
    2. The rich man is not known by his name but by his sin and lifestyle and is buried.
    3. The rich man realizes he is in hell and why he is there.
    4. The rich man recognizes Lazarus
    5. The rich man has concern for his brothers but is powerless to do anything about their condition and knows that if they don’t change, they will end up where he is.
    6. In heaven you cannot sin and in hell, you can’t repent
    7. In heaven you have no past and in hell you have no future

    I post this dream to illustrate the fact that as a Christian your identity is no longer your sin. You are known by name in heaven and not by your old life of sin so be blessed and encouraged.

    • Thanks for your encouragement Tony. I only identified the group in terms of the sin for the purpose of addressing them in prose. I personally do not identify myself as just an “unmarried non-virgin” but as a child of God who has been saved by grace, through faith. Thanks for reading.

  2. Pingback: 10 dangeroud lies about sex | Essence of Marriage Magazine

  3. Pingback: Female Sexuality: Vanquishing Virginity « Women in Contemporary Relationships

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